We're friends when we want something from you.

Remember this guy and his holey hair mesh? Of course you do! Our heroes remember him, too, and when they found out that he owns a home they had to go and see it for themselves.


By which I mean they ambushed him as he was leaving for the store.


"Hey, buddy, haven't seen you in a while! How've you been? Wait, don't answer that out here, we can go inside out of the sun while we catch up on old times!"


"We're not friends. We have never been friends. I suspect you've got an ulterior motive."


"But sure, come on in!"


Of course, once they were inside he dropped all pretext of wanting to socialize and went straight for the bedroom.


"Haha...what an idiot."


"I like your house. It's very, um...housey."


"It is, isn't it? I bought it with money, which is something I doubt you lot have ever seen."


"Hey, we've seen money. We have 27 dollars right now, as a matter of fact! It's in somebody's pocket somewhere."
"27 dollars? That's not even enough to buy my trash."


"The three of you disgust me. I want to take you all, put you in a rocket ship, and fire you off into the sun."

Okay, so that wasn't a very promising start.


They moved past the initial hostilities, though, and found some common ground in making funny faces. I don't know if they were mocking someone or what, but they seemed to enjoy themselves.


Good thing, too, as they needed to get along for Operation: Find A Sucker.


It went swimmingly. Some chatting, a few flirts, and the next thing you know she has a willing victim host. Either he didn't notice that she's just after his house or he didn't care. Probably he didn't care, since he's a manipulative, evil bastard himself.


"Aw, man. I guess we won't be getting married after all."


After departing the bathroom he finally noticed the elephant in the corner, or, rather, the homeless man in his bed.


He looked like he was on the verge of saying something. Ultimately, though, his response was identical to the hapless townie woman's:


Nothing to be done about it! I guess I'll just leave.


When Stanley woke up, well-rested and comfortable for the first time since I made him, he was quick to express his appreciation. I think that he's comparing a good night's rest to a unicorn here: magical, awe-inspiring, and completely nonexistent.


He then appeared to go into specifics of just what he enjoyed about the bed. I imagine that the list includes its softness, blankets, the fact that it has pillows, and its fresh, clean-smelling sheets.


Despite being recited in earnest, it didn't win him any points.


Oh, what, were you planning to sleep there? She's a romantic interest, it's a double bed, suck it up and deal with it.


That's better.


Left to his own devices, Stanley found the computer.


"This internet thing is great! It's two in the morning and I don't even care because I AM NEVER LEAVING IT."

I won't make the obvious Hyperbole and A Half reference since I've already used it in another post, but I'm kind of wishing I had saved it now.


Ten minutes later, their host awoke as the warm body next to him plummeted into red hygiene and began to stink.

You read that right. Her stench woke him up.


He was less than thrilled about it and unceremoniously gave them the boot. This time there were no neighbors to move in on.