Long story short: I decided to see what the offspring would look like if some of my sims were to reproduce with another. It seemed like a fun, quick idea for a blog post, but naturally it turned into a gigantic ordeal and by now I'm quite ready to never look at it or think about it again.
But I digress.
That settles it, I suppose. You all produce horrible children and will never be breeding, EVER, especially with one another.