Who is this nervous-looking mystery sim, you might wonder?
He is Isaac, who built Heiter's house and the Depressing Cinderblock Homeless Shelter of Cinder and Depression, and without whom The Human Failipede would arguably not exist. I have, of course, brought him onto the island so that he can be justly punished for his role in its creation!
Haha, I'm kidding! He is here as my first guest executioner, in celebration of Allegorical Dullness's fiftieth post five posts ago. (Yes, I am fashionably late. Deal with it.)
He doesn't look particularly happy to be here.
Then again, neither does Sim-Me.
"Heh, so, are you ready to shank an innocent person for fun and profit?"
"Am I! I can't wait!"
That's the spirit! Let's tally the votes and see who you get to murder!
There you have it: you get to kill an old man in a cowboy hat.
"Good. I hate old men in cowboy hats."
"Hey, Nelson, c'mere! I've got a surprise for you!"
*TINK TINK TINK*
No, really, that's the sound effect that the hammer made as it was brought down upon Nelson's head. A cartoony little tink.
"Oh my god! I beat him to death, so why is he a pile of ashes?!"
"I don't know! I don't know!"
As Death appeared, Isaac seemed to have a crisis of conscience.
"I just bashed an elderly man's skull in for my own entertainment. Should I feel bad about that?"
"Of course not! Honestly, I don't see what all the fuss is about every week. It's just a little violence..."
"Ooh, look, there's his ghost!"
Esmeralda, you are not at all the sort of person I took you for. You are terrifyingly sadistic for a family-oriented sim and I will breathe easier in my empty island lot if I get to put a bullet in your head next week.
I suspect that I won't. I suspect, in fact, that you will be much harder to eradicate than Kelly or Clinton, if only because the Laws of Narrative Irony dictate it.
"Whoa, I'm dead!"
"Heheh, look! I can clip right through people!"
WHAT. Where did that Death Flower come from, Nelson?
I killed him again, but then his ghost wouldn't disappear and he was still showing up in the family list despite his lack of a heartbeat. The Master Controller couldn't get rid of him, either; it just spat error messages at me.
So I had to reload. And this? This was my face.
For the third time, Nelson met his grisly end by hammer.
For the third time, he came back to life somehow. His ghost rose up and then became a normal sim, aside from the fact that he was floating, and the Grim Reaper behaved as if he had a Death Flower even though I'd confiscated it this time.
Let's try a gun instead, shall we?
Nelson was not pleased.
"Ugh, a bullet! My secret weakness!"
"Shut up and die already! You're making me look incompetent on a blog that may be read by as many as three people!"
Nelson obliged. Again.
As Death called Nelson's ghost out of his body, my guest executioner embraced his inner serial killer.
"Isaac used Handgun! It's super effective!"
He congratulated himself prematurely, however. Nelson proceeded to float away from Death at a steady clip, as if he thought he could escape. And Death...
Death, um, well.
He decided to do that.
And then he took a nap.
I reloaded and Nelson died a fifth time.
Instead of staying dead like a good contestant, he came back to life and complained to Death that he was hungry. At this point--as you can see--even Death was getting quite frustrated.
At last, on my third reload, Nelson McGlamery died of induced starvation via the Master Controller. This time it was permanent.
"But I didn't get to kill him for real! Awww..."
As Nelson's ghost finally vanished into his gravestone, Isaac whipped out his phone and called SBN to file a complaint that no doubt involved Sim-Me and false advertising. Sim-Me whipped out hers and began shopping around for a more skilled executioner.
Eventually I even remembered to let the surviving contestants leave the graveyard.
"That took, like, forever! I'm starving!"
"Although his screaming was kind of funny, I guess. Heh. He did so much screaming."
Isaac was quick to avail himself of the replaced gate, too, and he shot Esmeralda an odd look as he went.
"Wow, lady. You're too heartless even for me. I'm out of here."
Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away...
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