Thursday, July 28, 2011

I've Got You Under My Skin

The setting: The park at approximately ten o'clock. Everyone is exhausted from a long day of homelessness and has retired to their favorite pond-side benches to try and catch some rest. However, upon arrival they find that the park has been overrun with visitors and blaring music (if I hear "Feewa Foona Wabee" one more time I swear I will have an aneurysm).

Sure, they could just leave and find someplace quieter, like the library. That would be sensible. But you know what's also sensible?


Getting to know the locals!


Or, more accurately, getting to know their marital status in the hopes that you can move in on them. (Turns out this guy's boyfriend was sitting right there on the sofa. Oops.)


"So have you got a bed at your house?"


"I like beds. They're very important. Vital component of a good night's rest, which I haven't had in about, oh, a month now."


"And do you have a job? I'll tell you right now that I'm an unemployed hobo with no prospects for the future and no ambition, so it's kind of important that you have a job."


He appears to be promising her a bouquet of flowers here. Actually, knowing him, I'm sure it's more like, "I don't have the money for flowers, but if I did I'd buy you some!" She, understandably, appears to be thinking that he's full of it.


And yet, somehow this is not a deal-breaker for her.


At all.


He asks if she's single after they kiss. She is, but I doubt he would have cared even if she'd been happily married for the past decade.


He then proposes a makeout session, which gets a rejection as she finally realizes that he's a pushy, desperate sod.


She does not, however, object to his whispering sweet nothings in her ear.


So handsome. You've really lucked out, random townie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash my brain with acid.

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